June-ish, 2012

Adessa turned five years old on June 12th. We celebrated by dining out at Betty Burger, a family favorite, with Auntie Lolo and Grandpa Charles. Burgers and milkshakes were enjoyed by all!

Adessa is five years old. It begs some reflection, people. Five years of being a parent. Five years of Adessa Faye Lewis. In some ways she is so grown up, telling stories like a newscaster, relaying messages from Eliana, drawing and dancing and creating stories, giggling like crazy and making us laugh, asking questions and remembering the answers, wanting to discuss new information. And in some ways, she still reminds me of the little ditty: "There once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid." Adessa's curls are down her back, so her rhyme would have to be different. Her horrid times are getting somewhat... more evolved? She is more capable of getting herself under control, but her first impulse is to do what we refer to around here as: "freak out". We talk all the time about how to handle problems (she can't find the headband she wants), by using words to find solutions (Please, can you help me find the headband?) instead of freaking out. This is starting to work more and more.

She is beautiful, so beautiful, and so joyful and bright. She has a marvelous laugh, and loves to be silly with Eliana. She has a strong feeling about right and wrong, especially if she perceives a wrong being done to her. She loves to share with people, and always wants us to taste whatever food she's enjoying. She isn't physically affectionate very often, which is heartbreaking to me sometimes. Often trying to kiss her goodnight is the epicenter of her persnickety-ness displayed, and it frustrates me. I have to turn my cheek just so for her to kiss it, I can't try to kiss her first, and she has to make just the right smooch sound or we have to start the ritual all over. Arg! I think about my relationship with my mom, how I pushed her away while hoping she would pull me close, and resolve to keep trying with Adessa. I also think about how strong and wonderful Adessa is, and how hard I am on her. I know there's a fine line (for me, whose fundamental issue is a desire to be perfect) between raising up my kids to be their best selves for the glory of God, and raising them to be perfect, or to appear perfect. She is perfectly Adessa!

Her space picture: a rocket, a planet (with the ring around it), the moon, stars, and earth: "Earth looks like an easter egg." Yep!


Trying to make Annea smile. (We're getting more smiles these days!)


Reading with Daddy. (He sent me to get the camera because he loves how Eliana holds his face while he reads. She does it every night, making Calvin much more excited about reading before bed.)



At Betty Burger's!




Downtown.




Sweet Annea.

Almost 6 Weeks With Annea

Annea Annea Annea! She is so sweet and soft and chubby already and wide eyed, and smiling! I'm experiencing that falling in love feeling, and its so fun. Sometimes when she's sleeping I pick her up just to snuggle her and inhale her sweet baby smell and nuzzle the top of her head. It's made me realize that when Eliana was born, it was still all about Adessa. I was so worried about how Adessa would feel, replaced or displaced. Eliana "gave" Adessa a present the first time Adessa came to the hospital to see her baby sister. We asked people to talk to Adessa first, not coo over Baby Eliana right away, acknowledging her "big sister status. Sheesh. First time parents of two, my goodness. This time around, it was "Here's your baby sister, girls, deal with it." And they have.

Annea was looking alert, aware, and super interested in me the other day, so I got the camera and proceeded to be SO charming, witty and persistent that she smiled! For the camera! This is a little warm up grin, and then...


Smiling!! Her first real, big, dimple-producing, smile! Right on her 5 week birthday, and caught on film.


The girls!


Daddy and the girls.


Annea is a scooter, somehow got herself half-on and half-off her little bed.



Warning: This next one is not for the weak of heart (or stomach).
In one end and out the other! (And onto the floor, notice! And on every single piece of clothing I was wearing, including my underwear. Needless to say, we showered and were late to church.)



I'm happy to report I'm adjusting well, too. I am dealing with having three kids better than I expected. My hope has always been that the adjustment to three kids would be no harder for me than the adjustment to two. And when Calvin is gone, it is challenging, and I see myself snappy and crabby and cranky and not the gentle, give-the-benefit-of-the-doubt, patient mom that I am working to be. But it's doable! We are surviving! The house is holding up, even if it's dirty.* And I know how fast this baby-time goes, and I am enjoying it! I'm trying to be present and soak it up. **

*Here's how I analyze the devolution of our housekeeping. Normally, I notice something needs doing and put it on a list (because I loooove lists), and then I do it within a day or two. Now, I notice something needs doing, and put it on many lists (because I keep starting over on tiny scraps of paper that I then can't find), and it gets done by Calvin in a week or two.

**Along with the enjoyment of Annea's baby-ness, is the (hopeful) realization that this is our last baby. It is not bittersweet for me at all, it's just pure enjoyment. ***

***I'm having fun with stars. Along with the enjoyment of our last baby is the realization that I never have to be pregnant again! I'm so happy not being pregnant. I can eat without heart burn, sleep so comfortably, go to the bathroom at normal intervals instead of every 15 minutes, run and jump (okay, not yet, really, but soon!). I'm going to start working out (sometime, don't hold your breath, but I could!)

Family Moon

After the first week of recovery from Annea's birth, I have felt pretty darn good, considering. Calvin has been off of work (one week left of his "man-ternity leave") and catering to our every need. We have time together, Annea sleeps gobs and I am able to get things done. I'm playing Candyland with the girls, reading with them on the couch, and trying to organize the three different sizes of girl clothes we are now juggling. This is some precious time, where Calvin and I are relaxed and on top of our parenting game, where there aren't any pressing things to get done or plan or do, where we can hang out and figure out how to be a family of five, how to have three kids (though I'm sure this is just dipping our toe in, as Annea has been really easy so far), how to be a big or bigger sister. I'm calling it our "Family Moon" and it has been blissful. There is the added complication to this baby-newness time of my mom's cancer, which hangs over my days and makes tears flow at random times, but having a baby and a family of my own to worry about makes compartmentalizing what's going on with my mom easier. Not sure if that's healthy, but it makes it much more possible to cope. I have been able to see her every day-- which I love-- if even for a few minutes. I like knowing she's there.

Beloved friends from near and far, church and community have brought us (and are still going to bring us!) meals, which is the most amazing, wonderful, generous and thoughtful thing. I've said it before, I'll say it again: cooking is such a complex, mysterious, high-stress event for me under the best of circumstances, that having food brought to us is the most tremendous gift. I'm learning new recipes from the delicious dishes that people have brought to us, and... my darling and precious friend Amy, (with her one- year-old, Cassiel), flew up (from LA!) to visit me for the weekend to teach me some recipes and fill my fridge and freezer. Such a gift!! I feel empowered. I have a new list of recipes to make, ingredients to buy, directions for meal preparation, and it feels good. My favorite part of her stay (besides crying with her and the deep, endless, life-long conversations we continued), was when she said: "For a side dish tonight, I'll just look through what you have on hand and make something." Ha! Every day I do the very same thing, look at what I have on hand and... freak out that we have nothing to eat. Amy loves a culinary challenge, so when I told her this, she went through our pantry item by item to let me know what each separate food could be paired with for a dish. Amazing! Miraculous!! Thank you, Amy!!

I didn't get a single picture of Amy slaving away in my kitchen, but here she is providing another important service: painting the girls' nails.

Amy also got to visit with my mom, and snuggle Annea a bunch.

Calvin and I trying to pose me in such a way as to show how very little Annea is. Our peanut!

Baby sandwich!

Eliana helping to show that Annea was two weeks old.

Annea's three week old picture (yesterday was three weeks!). Just like...

Adessa's...

and Eliana's! Do our girls look alike, or what?

Eliana is Three Years Old!

Eliana is three! She will proudly show you how old she now is by bending down her errant fingers until there are only three stuck in the air. She is a self-proclaimed "big girl" and there are only a few things left for her to learn how to do, which she tells me she will learn when she's a grown up. Things like jumping rope, riding a bike to Disneyland, and snapping her fingers--which Adessa just learned how to do, (on one hand, only, and not loud enough to be "snappy", yet). Maybe Eliana considers Adessa a grown up?

Eliana is making strides of her own, though. She helps out so much with baby Annea: she loves to refill my water glass, throw things away or into the hamper for me, and is in charge of washing Annea's hands with a washcloth when we bathe her. And just a few days ago as she was hopping around, she learned how to skip, even!! Step, hop, step hop!

Calvin decided we must get into gear with outdoor games and bike riding, (our girls might be behind!) so we loaded up on soccer and base-balls and a bat and other catching and throwing games and prepared to be sporty. Next up are helmets so we can get the girls on bikes! And we both realized this emphasis on athletics is coming none-too-soon when Eliana and Adessa were trying to play baseball and Eliana kept shouting for her turn with the "hitting thing". Yes, we are finally on our way!

You know how people are most loveable when they are vulnerable? Eliana has been so loveable lately! She loves to dance and play dress up, and as people dropped off dinner for us the other night(THANK YOU, THANK YOU!) she came out to do a little number for them (I believe it was "Waltz of the Flowers" because its always "Waltz of the Flowers".) She had her fancy, frilly tutu on backwards! Her little nipples were showing through the criss-crossed back straps. Oh my goodness I just loved her then, her little embarrassed face when she realized why we were trying not to laugh. Painful, loving them this much, being embarrassed for them, feeling it when they're vulnerable. Eliana is a bit accident prone, she walks into walls and doors, doesn't look where she's going, falls and trips. Oh dear. She's also having a little bit of trouble finding her place in our new family, I think, being told to wait over and over again. Crying easily about so many little things. Asking to be held at the most terrible, inconvenient times when she knows my hands are full with the baby. Ach. It just really does break my heart. I want to be so careful with her, with all of them.

Eliana asked for and received a "Princess and the Frog" cake for the actual day of her birthday. We'll celebrate with a party for both girls (and Jayden, too!) later on, but for her special day, she got a big fluffy cake and a (used, don't tell her) Mermaid barbie doll-thingy and was completely happy. Adessa was another story, not at all okay with Eliana getting something she didn't get.

This picture is blurry, but it shows Eliana's magnificent cake and how she uses both hands to show how old she is.

It was, as you can see, delicious birthday cake!

She posed! When asked! With Eema in the loft at church.

Happily holding Annea.

Annea Elizabeth Lewis

Finally, at long last, (after one week of life!), here is the official blog post welcoming Annea (Uh-nay-uh) Elizabeth Lewis to our family. She was born on Sunday, April 29th, at 1:05 pm. She weighed in at 7 lbs. 10 oz, and was... either 19 or 20 inches long*.
She came at exactly the right time (read: I felt I couldn't have waited another minute!). My mom was going into intense figure-out-the-cancer mode starting Monday, April 30th, and needed to focus on herself and not be worried about being able to make it to my labor or not. April 29th was also my maternal grandma's birthday, born 93 years ago and passed away last year in early April. Auspicious day, all around. I was also dang tired of being pregnant, and tired of the suspense of waiting for labor and wondering if each little braxton hicks was the beginning of something more.

My water broke at 8:45 am Sunday morning, and we went to the hospital, met and were horrified by Nurse Marlene**, walked the halls at 12:00pm to see if we could get things going a little more, got things going, and badaboom badabing, Annea came out after an intense 30 minutes. I went from 7 to 10 centimeters from 12:30-1:00, and it only took one long push to deliver Annea to Planet Earth. Annea came shooting out, really. Nurse Marlene barely caught her, there was no doctor or neo-natal nurse in the room, and I think, finally, I got some credibility from the hospital staff. "Oh, I guess she is going to have the baby."

It is the very best feeling in the entire world that I know of so far to hold your new, wet, wriggling, crying, blue or purple (color doesn't matter as long as they're crying) baby to your chest, after 10 months of pregnancy and however many hours of labor. The relief, the joy, the... relief... the joy... really, that's it. Huge, unparalleled relief and amazing, euphoric joy. The baby is healthy and fine, and made the journey okay: relief beyond relief, joy beyond joy.

Here she is!!

The other piece to my relief and joy is my husband, Calvin. Each of our girls' births have been the most amazing, special, even romantic experiences of our life together. I love this man!! He is such a good daddy to my girls, and partner for me. Thank you, God, for Calvin! Thank you, Calvin! Look at his teary eyes! He was with me through it all, and he loves me and he loves our babies. This is a good man. Girls, you have a marvelous Daddy!

That my mom got to be there, with her heating pad for her back and lots of soup snuck into the delivery room, was a wonderful thing, as well. She felt well enough, and was again part of my "Crack Labor Team". Everyone assumed their duties perfectly, and I feel I could do anything with my mom, sister Laurel, and Calvin at my side. Especially if they were doing soft-touch massage on my arms and legs!

This picture, in light of the recent events regarding Mom's health, made me cry and cry when I saw it. There she is, such a key part of the major events of my life. There she is.

Auntie Laurel holding Annea for the first time.

The proud big sisters meeting Annea for the first time.

Our family of five! We'll work on portraiture as a family unit, but this was our first try.

Eliana taking a turn holding Annea.

Adessa's turn.

Abba's turn.

Grandpa's turn.

She finds her thumb, or assorted other fingers, often! Here, she's smiling about it.

Annea is very sweet and mellow. She sleeps a lot, which I forgot about, and is so puzzled looking when she's awake (which I remember). She is doing well! She is soft and kissable and smells like heaven. I got to bond a little extra with her in the hospital, since I had to stay for the whole two days instead of the one day I was planning on. Nurse Marlene was in no rush to give me the anti-biotics I needed when I got to the delivery room, which I needed since I was Group B Strep Positive. So I had only one dose instead of two, and therefore Annea was at risk of infection and needed to be observed a full 48 hours. After resigning myself to the idea, Annea and I had a great time at the hospital. We just chilled, watched TV, figured things out, gazed into each others eyes, ate pretty decent hospital food, and rested.





*The scatterbrained, very chatty, borderline inept labor and delivery nurse, Marlene, distractedly measured her at 19 inches. At Annea's first doctors appointment, our fabulous pediatrician's assistant, Fatima, measured her carefully and precisely at 20 inches. Could she have grown one inch in four days? Probably not. So her actual length is probably closer to 20 inches, no thanks whatever to Nurse Marlene.

**Nurse Marlene was oblivious to our focused, calm, peaceful approach to birthing. She was a distraction at her best and raunchy and inappropriate at her worst. As my mom said in the middle of it all: "Someday we'll laugh about her, right?" Right.

I'll do a more detailed labor account later, but first I have to hit Eliana's 3rd birthday!!

My Mom

Tuesday, 4/24, my mom went in for a CAT scan to see about what was going on with her gall bladder, the suspected source of pain and problems for her for the past three or more weeks. She had been diagnosed with diabetes about four months ago, and had diabetic symptoms on and off since about November. The CAT scan showed that her gall bladder is fine, and that the diabetic symptoms she's still having are due to tumors on her pancreas, liver, and maybe lungs, too. There was a biopsy yesterday, Friday. It looks bad. It is bad. It's non-operable cancer, probably of the pancreas. If it were the liver or lungs, tumors could be removed, but with the pancreas you can't, just chemo to prolong life and keep the cancer at bay for as long as possible.

So. We're reeling, we're scared, we're sad, we're in disbelief. We're crying a lot. We've been flooded with love and help and prayers and generosity and God's grace at the same time.

Tuesday afternoon, after all the local kids and spouses gathered and cried together, Laurel and mom went out to find a perfect recliner for her to sleep comfortably, something that lying down flat in bed didn't afford. They picked out a cushy beige leather beauty, which we all got to test ride, but then... Wednesday, I didn't see her out of the chair. I know she got out of the chair, she had a doctor's appointment (the one where the surgeon looked at her scans and told her the tumors were inoperable). But our normally unstoppable mom, up and down and in the kitchen, was only in her chair. Now it's kind of like she's holding court, and since I've seen her out of it lately (she's sewing stockings for our unborn children!) I'm feeling better about the recliner. It can be her throne, as she is the Queen of Beckdom. And our glue. And sounding board. She knows where everything is, or where to get it or how to make it. She runs our show. If she didn't impact so many people, starting with the ten of us kids who call her "Eema", this wouldn't be so hard. If she wasn't so wonderful and thereby have created so many "dependents", it might be easier. We depend on her. I depend on her: for advice and counsel, parenting help/commiseration and support, feedback. I depend on her to be there when I walk down the hill, to chat with me about this or that, to pass along books, to loan me ingredients, to watch my girls. She has been at all my big milestones, though, graduation, marriage, births (she plans to be at this birth any day now, though she is tired.) For the younger kids who haven't had these milestones, who haven't benefitted from her wisdom at tricky times in their lives, there is different, more piercing pain, the possibility that she won't be there.

Yes. Yes, be positive, be positive. I am wary about superstitious positivism. People die. From cancer. This kind of cancer. That my mom has pretty bad, wrapped up inside her. Would I love to eat these words, later? Yes. I don't have faith to move mountains. It's something I'll get working on, but I just don't have it. I am not going to set myself up for "If I think positive, all will be well." I have seen enough here on earth: all is not well. I am positive about cherishing each day with her, helping her have the best next few years or months as humanly possible. Yes, yes, there are stories about miraculous changes in diagnosis and prognosis and disappearance of terribleness and years gained from medical leaps and all of that. Yes. Yes. And God is sovereign even if I can't spell it on the first try, and He is with us and loves us and holds us in His hands, and cries with us. And He might have a plan of miraculous healing, and we will accept that joyfully, as we will accept anything else He has in store for our mom and for the rest of us. We will take each day as it comes. We will appreciate each moment that we have, with all of our loved ones, given this reminder that life is brief. We will take a lot more pictures and videos, and keep track, and record, and use this precious time to soak up all of her that we can.


On a practical note, a blog is going to be set up to give updates and missives, and ways that people can help. Mom is in good spirits in between being really sad, especially for Elijah and Jayden. At one point she started apologizing for having cancer, which was almost too much to bear. First thing Monday morning, she has an appointment with an oncologist to figure out her treatment plan, which should get started right away. As things get scheduled and fall into a rhythm, we will be able to take people up on their generous offers of time and service. And mostly, we appreciate the prayers!!

And on a personal note: In talking with my mom, who has a very specific, very serious kind of cancer, she is not finding it helpful to hear about people with other kinds of cancer who have gone into remission. This is not expected in her case, and while it is with such good intentions of being encouraging that people share theirs and others' stories of cures, the best thing you can say to encourage her is how much you love her.

At our wedding, 2005.

Pascha, 2012

The day before Easter, at one of our favorite services where the priests throw flower petals and bay leaves all over the church. Adessa is in the spirit, mugging here with her Nina, godmother Romina.



Pascha morning we got up early and went to breakfast and then West Cliff, all part of a plan to get the girls to nap earlier and be ready for the Pascha picnic. It worked!


Easter Baskets! The girls still haven't caught on to the fact that I've been recycling the Easter kitsch every year since Adessa's birth. Thanks to half off sales, I've added to it, so their bounty is getting a bit ridiculous.



Impromptu egg hunt at our house, trying to disperse the candy as much as possible to as many as possible.


The Pascha Picnic!

Thank you, Daddy, for BBQing for us!


The Easter Egg Hunt. Here's one!

Reach!

Hmm... here's another one!

Sweet sisters! Miss Katie and Miss Marylynn, the girls' Sunday School teachers were most attentive, and the girls loved it!

Checking out the loot with Elijah and Jayden. Adessa has become an excellent sharer when she wants to be. She got all kinds of candy and distributed it to all the kids or willing adults she could find. (Yay!) She still managed to come home with tons, but it's been great to see her share. She would whisper to me: "Jonah didn't get any of this kind of chocolate, so I'm going to give him some of mine. I don't need that much." I tried not to overdo my reaction and jinx anything--but inside I was dancing jigs!

Eliana hanging out with Auntie Lolo and her great friends.

Eating... more sweets. Nary a well balanced meal occurred on this most special day.


Christ is Risen! We had a lovely Lenten season, this year, making it to many more of the (many) services than years past. The girls did well in church, as long as we had steady supplies of Cheddar Bunnies, and stickers helped, too. The Pascha picnic was delightful, as the girls are at the age where they just roamed around and played with friends, aunts, uncles, godmothers, etc. They were pretty low maintenance as far as parenting goes, and it was a refreshing look at our distant future. They both cried when it was time to go, just too much fun.

Side not on Eliana: Eliana is doing some more development with her language, which I'm getting a total kick out of. Her vocabulary isn't changing as fast as it was, now it's her gestures and facial expressions that are getting worked over. She punctuates her stories with the appropriate sad, mad, or happy faces, and her chubby little arms wave around, shoulders shrug, hands on her hips sometimes to make her point. As I write this, it reminds me that she's been watching our expressions, too. The other day I was cutting an apple with my brow furrowed (my concentrating face, unfortunately for my forehead wrinkles), and she asked if I was mad at the apple. She's watching! Soaking it all up. Cute!