Heaven Nears.

This dying is hard to accept, it has been at every interval. At first, I didn't want to hear the diagnosis, a crushing blow. Then I didn't want to see the changes, or the pain of chemo. Now, I don't want to miss out on any lucid moment, and I never want to say goodbye. I don't want to think about her actually leaving, her last moments, empty shell, gone to Glory. It will be the hardest thing to receive her funeral as the gift that it is. How could we ever close the lid of the casket for the last time? It will be hard to follow her to the graveyard, agonizing to stand by her grave and watch her lowered into it, and heartbreaking to help cover her with handfuls of earth. We will have to say "Memory Eternal" about her, my mom, who loves me better than almost anyone else. We will have to admonish her to "Rest in Peace." We will have to wait the rest of our lives, however many years God has written for us, to see her again in Heaven. I'm convinced it will seem like no time at all for her-- that from Heavenly perspective our life span is just a blip, a brief but important moment. In no time at all we will be paraded joyously by a glorious Terry around the Kingdom of God. It is us who have to wait, to miss her, to ache for her.


My mom is so close to Heaven. As her cancer has progressed, we've gone through official stages--Hospice being the latest one--and unofficial stages: first she had cancer around the house, then she and the cancer moved to the chair in the living room, and now, the bed. She has "taken to her bed", my mom. She needs so many chemicals to make her minutes bearable, and her chair is empty in the living room. Family sits with her one at a time in the bedroom, and we visit, in a quiet, non-visiting kind of way, just being with her. I tried to offer her things today, a drink of water, something to eat, conversation, a song. We offer her things of the living, because that's what we have and thats what we know, but they are no longer what she needs. She said no to all of my offers. She did say to make sure that everyone knows how much she appreciates everything. She has noticed how well we have been taken care of: meals, care of the boys, whatever we have whispered would ease this time has been done with love. Thank you. She is coming, Jesus, Terry Elizabeth Beck, my mom. She is coming to you.