No More Grandmas

So in the end, she did it. My Mom did die. It took her body a long time to let go, and I got to be there for most of it. It was hard to watch. It was hard to loose her in small bits. Five months of cancer, that was it. Five months of super-fast, unbelievably fast deterioration. New bad things kept happening, week by week, until by the end it was as though our mom vanished day by day and hour by hour, disappeared into her laboring body. And we washed her and dressed her. We took her to church. And then we had her funeral, and buried her. Which is still unbelievable to me. I'm attributing that to having kids, being distracted by them made it somewhat difficult to process. My girls were right up in front during the funeral being distracting, to me. I wanted them to be a part of everything, with me there gently to guide them through it, but instead I was over-the-top mad when they needed something, didn't they understand what was going on!? (No. Of course not.)I fed Annea during the graveside service, which we were late getting to. I stopped feeding Annea mid-meal because they were lowering the casket into the ground, and I felt I better see that part. That is an important part, and I wanted to be right there, and I wasn't. I sort of stopped registering things around then. I kept thinking: "How am I supposed to get through this with meaning, if I'm worrying about my hungry kid?" Life goes on, I guess? Overall, I felt discombobulated, which is probably quite normal, but I was in the wrong spot many times, or felt like I was missing things, or that I wasn't going to do justice to mom somehow in my bumbling way of grieving her, in my distracted way of parenting while trying to be present at the funeral. I don't know. What are you gonna do, anyhow? It was what it was. A hard day. A day full of so many kindnesses and generosities and love and tears. So many wonderful, life affirming hugs. So much shared grief, as my mom was loved by many. My chest cavity is heavy and my lower back feels weak, like I prefer the fetal position right now over any others. Because I miss her, already, and I know that I am going to have to get used to missing her, and I don't want to.

The girls are doing okay. They often talk about not having any more grandmas, and that makes them sad. They list the people that they do have, Grandpa and Abba, aunts and uncles and god-parents, and that makes them feel better. Eliana cried, appropriately, during the shutting of the coffin, and when we started putting earth on Eema's coffin, and lowered her into the ground. She is a sensitive soul. Adessa's much repeated comment was: "When can we go home so we don't have to be sad anymore? This is sad!" It was sad. I now want to be with my family like never before. I want to be with my siblings and my dad and just be sad with them. We're going to make sure and do that.

Eliana's First Day of Playschool!

Okay, admittedly it was two weeks ago, but it was noteworthy nonetheless and I want to get it up here on the blog ASAP before other news overshadows it. Eliana started Playschool and loves it. She already knew many of the kids, and the teachers, and the format from tagging along with Adessa. It was painful for her to watch Adessa start school at the end of August, and have to wait until the middle of September for her school. She loves it! She loves having stories to tell us about her day when we get home, all kinds of things she did on her very own at her very own school. For which she proudly wields a backpack. And to which Amanda and Gracie and Charlotte kindly pick her up from the babysitters house and take her, and from which Grandpa generously picks her up and walks her home to the babysitters house for nap time. Thanks, Team!

Walking to school with Gracie! First day!

Daddy took the day off from work to drop her off and pick her up on the first day. So sweet!

Happy to be painting.

Five Months of Annea

Annea rhymes with Isaiah. I think that's how I'm going to try to help people remember her name. My uncle can't remember it, and can't remember how to remember it, and the last time he visited he told me that it isn't too late to change her name to something easier. Funny uncle!

Annea herself is soooo sweet and easy and wonderful and cute. She has been quiet and adaptable and easygoing now that I've been spending every spare moment down at my parents' house. She is a dream, and I'm enjoying her immeasurably. Laurel calls her "Therapy" and soaks her up, appreciates the tiny-joy-bundle that Annea is.

It feels okay, this family of five, these three girls. We are a good fit, we are going to figure this life out together, and I am happy. It is what I always wanted. We are taking some hits this year, some big 'ole losses, of Calvin's mom and my mom. That's rattled us, but I feel that we are strong, we are committed to making it through as best as we can muddle. The girls don't know what to do with my tears, they run to me like it's an emergency and hug my legs. (I guess, actually, they do know what to do when I cry. Thanks, girls!) I keep thinking: "As long my girls are okay, as long as Calvin is safe, I can go on." but God doesn't promise things like that; there is no quota that you fill of loss and then are guaranteed a break. And if the worst happened, I would go on. I've been wrestling with that a bit, and my fears. I've been reading a most wonderful book called 1,000 Gifts, I highly, highly recommend it. It takes you through loss, to gratefulness, and then looks at how a good God could allow bad things to happen. Basically the conclusion is that "All is Grace", it's all here for us to learn and grow and journey toward God, become more Christlike. Which is so comforting and amazing to think about, it all starts with gratitude, and giving Glory to God in all things.

Back to Annea- It's soooo easy to be thankful for her. She's the exactly right amount of chubby soft drooly babyness that I adore, just like my other girls were minus the drool. I was worried that she was behind in some developmental milestones, like using her hands, but she has caught up. She delights us as she learns about her hands, waving them in front of her face with an astounded look on her face like she's thinking: "Are these things mine!? Attached to me!?". She slings her hands around on the end of her arms to try to touch or grab at things, slobbers all over her hands, and now picks up and holds toys. Yay! And she rolled over! From back to front, just when I was starting to worry. I haven't kept very good track of when she should be doing what, but I was pretty sure she was a little slow with a few things. I am reassured that she will be fine, she's just so busy being sweet and easy that some milestones might come later. And that is fine! Happy Five Months, Annea!

Annea with my mom about two weeks ago. My mom hadn't held her for about a month before this photo was taken, but reached for her, held her up in the air, even.

While hanging out at my parents, I propped her up on the couch and ran to do something. Laurel rescued her from the couch cushions, but only after taking this picture, first. We win mom- and aunt- of-the-year awards, I'm sure.

Tummy time! She's getting stronger and playing longer on her tummy.

She's still a hot item to hold around here.

Adessa discovered a new use for Annea, hatrack.

My girls.

Thank you, Lord Jesus! I am so grateful.

Heaven Nears.

This dying is hard to accept, it has been at every interval. At first, I didn't want to hear the diagnosis, a crushing blow. Then I didn't want to see the changes, or the pain of chemo. Now, I don't want to miss out on any lucid moment, and I never want to say goodbye. I don't want to think about her actually leaving, her last moments, empty shell, gone to Glory. It will be the hardest thing to receive her funeral as the gift that it is. How could we ever close the lid of the casket for the last time? It will be hard to follow her to the graveyard, agonizing to stand by her grave and watch her lowered into it, and heartbreaking to help cover her with handfuls of earth. We will have to say "Memory Eternal" about her, my mom, who loves me better than almost anyone else. We will have to admonish her to "Rest in Peace." We will have to wait the rest of our lives, however many years God has written for us, to see her again in Heaven. I'm convinced it will seem like no time at all for her-- that from Heavenly perspective our life span is just a blip, a brief but important moment. In no time at all we will be paraded joyously by a glorious Terry around the Kingdom of God. It is us who have to wait, to miss her, to ache for her.


My mom is so close to Heaven. As her cancer has progressed, we've gone through official stages--Hospice being the latest one--and unofficial stages: first she had cancer around the house, then she and the cancer moved to the chair in the living room, and now, the bed. She has "taken to her bed", my mom. She needs so many chemicals to make her minutes bearable, and her chair is empty in the living room. Family sits with her one at a time in the bedroom, and we visit, in a quiet, non-visiting kind of way, just being with her. I tried to offer her things today, a drink of water, something to eat, conversation, a song. We offer her things of the living, because that's what we have and thats what we know, but they are no longer what she needs. She said no to all of my offers. She did say to make sure that everyone knows how much she appreciates everything. She has noticed how well we have been taken care of: meals, care of the boys, whatever we have whispered would ease this time has been done with love. Thank you. She is coming, Jesus, Terry Elizabeth Beck, my mom. She is coming to you.

Annea is Four Months Old!

Annea's sweet smile, which she flashes all the time EXCEPT when there is a camera around. When she sees a camera, her eyes get very wide and her expression verrrry serious. This gorgeous grin was caught because I devised a "baby blind", by disguising the camera with a piece of binder paper. I think I could gut a stuffed animal and sew the camera in and go into business.

On her four month birthday, (Weds, 8/29.) This was the most smile-like expression she produced in our four-month-birthday photo shoot.

Her normal camera face:

Still cute, but she looks a little started.

Another attempt to capture her smile. She has recently started smiling at the baby in the mirror, whereas before she'd smile at me in the mirror. As long as she can't see the camera, she'll smile away.

I'm still trying trying trying to get a good shot of all three of these girls. It may take years.

Adessa's First Day of Kindergarten

First day of school. All ready to go, but first, a photo shoot. Is this why we were late?

Sitting down on the last square inch of rug as we rushed her into the classroom. It took the whole week to figure out what was going on with kid drop offs and pick ups. I didn't expect such a huge learning curve for us, just about logistics.

All tuckered out after class, lined up with the kids to go home.

Adessa loves kindergarten. The first day she declared as we picked her up: "I learned how to read today." Well! That was easy! She has been so excited to go, to carry her backpack and eat her snack and learn, which is marvelous to watch. I haven't shed any tears about kindergarten, but it does seem like an awfully big deal, the beginning of her school experience. Linked to kindergarten are all the other grades, by the end of which she will be all grown up (potentially, I've been reading articles about "adult-esence"). But we're going to go one day at a time, here, and enjoy the little things, like snack time and first backpacks and new friends.

August Fun

I need to update quickly, before we have milestones like "First Day of Kindergarten" to record! I haven't felt too many emotions around Adessa starting school, surprisingly. I feel ready, and I can believe it, and here we go, the next step. I congratulated myself on being present these five years, that must be why it's not a shock to see her doing something so relatively "grown up." (I'll let you know how this theory holds on Tuesday, her first day.*) But then we went roller skating. I got pretty choked up, mah baybee is roller skating!? I have no idea why roller skating got to me, I don't even like roller skating. But seeing Adessa actually doing it--well, actually marching along with super-tightened wheels that didn't really roll and a huge smile on her face, made me pause and think about how big she is, how much a kid she is, and that if this one milestone, roller skating can happen, I guess all the other ones will eventually come about, as well.

Roller skating brings up an interesting aspect to Eliana's personality: she is verrrry cautious/hesitant/shy. She is 100% happy to watch and miss out on things. She is only three, but still, she doesn't join in or want to try things right away, or sometimes at all. Her first reaction when offered something new is to try to get as far away as possible. I think she needs lots of time to evaluate what the new thing (petting a horse, hitting a pinata, roller skating, etc.) is going to be like. She doesn't like a lot of attention directed her way, and she is okay to watch things and not try them, or not try them at first. She said she wouldn't roller skate before we left our house, when I wasn't even sure she knew what roller skating was, she said she wouldn't when we got there, I thought she might want to try after a minute of watching and got her some skates, but she didn't want them anywhere near her. She did warm up a bit so as to walk around the rink in her flip flops, and she did the Limbo game with Adessa quite happily. So maybe in a few trips she'll be ready to try. Funny.

Annea is a drooler. I've actually come to need all the bibs I've hoarded for years, that Adessa and Eliana never used. She is sweet and easy going still, most of the time. The other night I had a hard time getting her to sleep, the same difficulty as every time I tried to get Eliana to sleep. First of all I thought maybe that the charmed first three months were over and now she was going to be more difficult, and then I realized and appreciated exactly how easy she's been. When she's tired, she goes to sleep, when hungry she eats. Sometimes she fusses when she needs to burp. She's awesome. And hopefully she stays that way, as all my confidence and joy about three kids being easy is directly proportional to how easy Annea has made it. Keep up the good work, baby!

*Adessa is ready for kindergarten, I'm sure. I brought home stacks of scratch paper at the end of the school year for the girls to color on. Adessa and Eliana have spent HOURS drawing and cutting and making a huge mess of our dining room. They make puppets, trace things, and try to write. Adessa has been hunting around the house for words written in capital letters. When she finds a capital-lettered word, she writes it down and then proudly displays her writing and asks us what it says. Her latest words and phrases: COLLECT THEM ALL, WARNING. AVERTISSEMENT, and EVERYBODY NEEDS A ROCK. So funny. For the most recent clever creation she traced her stuffed bird, cut it out, drew the defining lines (where the seams were on the plush one), and then added 3-D wings that actually flap. She made her bird a paper nest with eggs in it, a baby bird, a bird feeder, and a worm. She then put on a puppet show for us behind the couch.

Precious pictures with Eema.

Annea, sporting the first clippie Adessa ever got, the clippie that started it all. Also she's sporting a bib, as we have a drooler. One drooler out of three isn't too bad. And finally having a drooler reinforces my hoarding tendencies, since I saved tons of bibs through our two non-droolers, "Just in case!"

Relaxing in the back yard with scrumptious baby girl.

Annea is taking shape.

Roller Skating:
Hang on tight, Laurel! We quickly learned that opened toed shoes were not the thing to wear near uncoordinated beginning skaters. Ouch!

Adessa playing "Hokey Pokey".

Eliana and Adessa playing "Limbo". Note Eliana's flip flops.

More Summer Fun:
Swimming lessons. Paddle, paddle, paddle!

I'm always trying to get a good picture of them. Its not easy.

From camera-phone pictures, not great quality, but capturing the essence just fine.

Annea is absolutely shocked by whatever it is Auntie Laurel is reading!

Berry picking!! We had a marvelous morning, just "hunting" for berries around Mt. Hermon.

Skypark tube-slide static electricity-wonder: